This might be the end of the Legendary era. I am so done. Everything feels just like second nature to me. I don’t know, what changed inside of me. All this business shit, everything which I thought I can handle all of them, is slowly crushing me. It is killing me inside out, and I never knew how much it hurts until I suffered a guilt trip. That trip was slow, menacing and violent in nature, scary at some times, and many times it just wanted me to quit. And this time finally, I may be done.
I cannot fight alone no more, I can’t handle all this stress and trauma, which I have been having the whole of October. See, this October should have been one of the best months of my life, because it was Diwali this month, my favorite festival of all time. I was excited, spent so much money and yet, it had all gone to waste. Because this month was when someone very close to me, expired. Those days were just as scary. I haven’t slept for days that time, because the screams and the haunts still remain in my mind. I can’t do it no more. I want to be done, finally, but if I do, what will happen? Everything will fall, crumble into pieces. Everything I see with my own eyes, will start to crumble.
The guilt trip was done already. I just realized how hard it is for my customers to hold off their customers only because of me. I am their sole supplier, and if I stop, everything stops. I have been stopped for 20+ days, only because my life has no less hardships. I cannot pass my pain, or my anger, or my struggle, or my screams, or my silence, or my mind, or my haunters, to anyone. It is I who started all this alone, and may I be the one who will end all this. Even though it seems so easy, after all this is done, I might not be seen by anyone anymore. I may be gone from my old life. It looks so easy, yet if you are the only one who is to be blamed, then it is fine. Because one sacrifice might be better than ten.
I cannot think of anything anymore. I have risked so much, so so much, yet all of them for nothing. I ask every star out there, every God out there, every Supreme Beings out there, I have asked them at least a thousand times, “why am I the only one?!! Did they not find any better man out there to burden these thousand things all by himself? Did they not find anyone who is better suited to this? There are billions of people out there, yet why am I the only one who is bearing all the hatred of others, and all the burdens and pressures of life altogether?! Was I not good while being a happy kid sticking with his family?!!” After asking all these questions, something flashed in my mind.
Something, like some fragment of my memory just flashed. I had a realization. I had realized, that I was the only one who wished for it. I was the only one who wanted an extreme life. A life full of hardships, experience. I did not wanted a boring life. I did not wanted anything heriditary. I wanted everything I build, from scratch. From ZERO. That is what I wished all those years back. I remember. It was all me who wished all this, whatever I wished, I got. WHATEVER.
I look back, I had achieved so much. More than anyone could get. Making my dreams into reality, already did. I thought it would end there, my dreams. But the extreme life I wished kicked in. Dreams don’t die, they just become bigger. So big that people call me stupid. They hear my dreams, and they laugh, calling me an idiot. But what they don’t know, is the origin of my name. But Ladies and Gentlemen, let me re-introduce myself, and my origin. My name is Legendary Baka, a 19-year old entrepreneur. What you don’t know, is that Baka means IDIOT/STUPID. I chose this name for a very particular reason. I knew from the start that my dreams would be so big that normal people would already laugh. Because their dream is not big enough. I want to be the one, out of that crowd. Out of those thousands, I want to be the ONLY one. I wasn’t born to fit in the crowd, because I am the crowd. There is no place for me, other than my own self.
I keep myself motivated because there might be no one else to do it for me. I can’t share all these business things with anyone other than myself. I have been betrayed countless number of times, and now I trust literally no one. I trust myself is all I need. Even though I really wish there was someone, yet I hate to be the villain in this. But in the end, being the villain is the best form of choice, because you are always the villain in someone’s story, so why not become a full fledged one?
Yet, now I really think this is all the end. End of the business empire, all I built. Everything I sacrificed, was for nothing. Is this what He wanted me to see? To experience everything I built, falling apart? While I can do shit about it, it is really heartbreaking. I usually am never heartbroken by anything, but when I do, I really die from inside. It was a million dollar startup, falling to pieces in front of the Owner’s eyes. I never thought a person can feel so much pain like this. It feels okay, yet it has a devilish side of pain.
I don’t really know how to say this, but if I am saying this, it was after I suffered so much. This is the End. I am only writing all this here because I don’t know how will I face people after this. After this defeat, I will never be the same again. This line does not need any reason to comply. I have so much pressure at the point of writing this, that I am barely able to focus on anything anymore. This has to be one of my huge defeats, I need to say this.
But here is where things get interesting. Whenever I say the ‘end’, I feel like I have been hit with a thousand different thoughts. Not of other words, but of mine alone. What I told others, every bit of motivation I gave to others, hitting back at me at such a rapid pace. But what it feels like, is like they are not affecting me anymore. It seems like I am just done with all this bullshit. So profitable, yet such mind loss and so much mental state loss, it feels like I am distancing from everyone. I do not regret this, but it still feels like I am still so much distanced from everyone. To be honest, it feels so much better, I feel so much peace, leaving aside such double-sided so called ‘friends’. If I wanted to, I could just punch them in the face and come back with no consequences whatsoever, but I choose peace over violence. Always brings less consequences.
I wish I could say any of this sooner, but I guess it is just so cringy to say this person to person that it really feels like there is nothing to say. Everybody in the market left. Every goddamn partner, every seller, they all left, leaving me alone. On one side, this is such a great opportunity to run my business on a large scale, but those betrayals just had me so much mentally unstable that I can’t operate on such a large scale just yet. Maybe this is my first time for such a large number of betrayal, in midst of such chaotic environment, maybe I will get through it someday, I can never tell. But all this pressure, is just fucking me up. I can smile, but I can’t laugh. I can walk, but I cannot walk with pride. I can grief but I cannot cry anymore. I can take care of others, but still alone from the inside.
I heard a quote, saying, Building yourself up is the most loneliest tenure as a man. You are not a boy anymore, you have become a man. You must endure this loneliness and just get all of this wrapped up quick, whether it may be any tensions from your mind or any betrayals from your comrade. You can do this.
I now understand, every word of that quote. Each word I read just relates so much, I cannot lie to myself anymore. All of this, has to end. I am not talking about the business, but the me. The current me. I have to change.
I had a dream. Such realistic dream, I hardly ever have. I have such awesome resellers on my side, God knows how they came to me. They have done their best whatever I told them to. I cannot thank them enough, because they are such a huge part of my life, they became from strangers to my ‘friends’. Yes, I can finally label them this.
But, I guess good things do not last forever. Every good thing has to end, else a person cannot move forward in life anymore. From here out now, what everybody called the Legendary era, ends.
I wrote this blog long ago, when I started having such traumas, but still I decided to wait because I knew I could do even something to hold this up. I did not gave up for 20 days. They were scary, haunting, traumatic and sometimes creepy nights. They had to end, else I was done for.
With this, might be the last I ever post, The Legendary era is done. This is the last time you might see a person named ‘Legendary Baka’. The enemies who wanted to see me defeated, be proud of yourself, for you have granted your wish. The only difference is that I defeated all of you first, and made you go out of business, before I was defeated by myself. It was such fun, but Baka has to die. He is no more now. Another Legend gone down.