There are certain times where people are so positive that they can achieve almost everything. Everything in the world, because their mindset is set. When the mindset is set, no one in hell can stop you in doing what you want to do. But of course, there would be challenges. God sees your inner spirit, and He knows what you really want. But He is just so curious to see how far you could go, He gives so many challenges to test your passion. To test, what you really set to want, are you ready?

Everyday, I pray to God. I thank him, for every loss, every challenge, every single challenge in my life. Because without those challenges, I would have been a failure afterwards. I still am really thankful to him, while writing all this.

As the times change, people change. But now, I don’t want to blame it to any other person what has happened to me. I do not have anyone to blame it for now. I have done this so many times, as I am so tired to just put the blame to someone else. I now know, I am the one responsible for what I have become. At the front, I try my level best that I motivate people, just with a smile meeting them, greeting them, everything as a facade. But of course, a person never has one side. The other side, at the bottom, I fight battles with myself. What I see is myself in front of me. But what is different is that there is not one me, there are thousands. LITERALLY THOUSANDS. And I know myself the best, I am not the one who shows mercy on myself. And all those thousands, attack me at the same time. This battle is even tougher than what everyone say that their ‘real’ challenge is. I failed hundred times, I never defeated myself. I always lose to myself. What a failure job this is, because I am weak. Even losing a hundred times, I stood up and got to it again, not knowing what I really needed to do to defeat all of me’s. And this is the reason I stood up, again and again and again, tried different strategies and everything, and every time I failed, I learned something new about myself. Again and again and again, uncountable times! But… now I know.

I knew not that of how many tries I tried, or how much I learnt. What I really learnt is how weak I am, in front of myself! It is frustrating every time I think about it, and for once in my life, to make a change, I joined gym. Every day, every set, every rep I take, I think about it. Not any third person, not even my family, but all I could think about is myself. I never wanted to be weak, I never wanted to lose, AGAINST MYSELF! Even though all my friends ask if I am okay, how can I tell them all this? This… would be so embarrassing just to tell I lost to fucking myself even! The reason why I can’t talk about this, is because nobody can even understand all this. I cry to myself every day, I cry in front of God everyday, because no one will know this better. He sees all the effort I make, and all I know that everything is going according to His plan. Nothing more, nothing less.

This is the reason I never give up. Even, why should I give up? Because I lost? Tens, hundreds, thousands of times? Yes, this is enough reason to give up. It is all natural, that if you can’t see yourself winning, why would you keep going? Just WHY? Indeed, this is the frustration of every man out there, not knowing any intensity of anyone of course. But tell me, why would you even keep going at a point like this? 90 percent of people give up just because of this reason. And I totally get it, this reason is legit. And here is the fun fact, when you see all those 90 percent of those people, they are not millionaires, not even close.

I am not blaming or trying to aim any one person in any way! This blog is all about me. All the failures, all the mistakes, all the weakness inside of me. I just wanted to yell or cry, but I guess I can’t. I am weal, after all. But I am trying to change. Trying to make a change. Everyday I see myself in the mirror, I am filled with rage. Because all I can see is weakness. That is why I never stop going to gym, no matter if any of my friends or even my crush tells me to skip it, I can’t get defeated by myself next time. I WANT to win. I WILL WIN. This is not a prediction, this is the future. I have been in so many hardships, even recently, but I can’t stop. If I ever stopped in my life, may God do whatever he wishes to, if He wants me to fall through a hole I can’t return from, I can’t stop it.

I know, I have let down many of my friends, this includes my oldest friends. I should be ashamed of myself. But I am not. This line should be offending, I absolutely know. But, I have priorities I have to attend, I have to win over myself first. Then will be the day I emerge, as a millionaire, even a billionaire. Let me see myself clearly. If I cannot see myself in the eye, how can I expect to look others in the eye? This, I know it would be hard for anyone to understand. But in time, it will all make sense.

I skipped so many parties, functions, friends gatherings, and sometimes I regret it. But I would have even regretted it more if I had gone there. Every action has a reaction. And sometimes that reaction is double the times of action. I all took that, but was it enough reason to stop? For those 90 percent, yes indeed. But for me, not enough reason. They laugh at my dreams, they say it is out of my league. Oh God, who will tell them that I AM THE FUCKING LEAGUE! Why tell them now, when they will know when I enter the room. I don’t need to introduce myself.

In the zone, isolated. Nothing but you, your thoughts, your work and your way of winning.

I have had this dream ever since I was a kid. Why will you stop after you have worked for so many years on it? Keep going, pat yourself on the back, because no one will do it for you, not even your closest ones. I don’t mean disrespect, all I mean is only you know what you’re going through. Don’t drag others into your problems. Be respectful. Help others, yet you know that your problem is so much that it will put others into thinking about your problems, don’t do it. They have their life to live, their battles to be fought. Wish them luck.

In the end, I don’t know if I will even win. I never knew if I fight against myself, I would lose eventually. Myself is so strong, goddamn! But, I don’t even know if I will lose. That’s not my strong point, unfortunately. Let’s fight on, and live the dream we always wanted!