Why I Lost.

When you keep it in one sentence, it is difficult to say one reason as to why I lost. There are more than a thousand reasons for this. What I lost? Opportunities, new things in life, new contradictions, new challenges and people I once labelled as ‘friends’.

It is a very simple explanation. You lose a battle, two options. Run or Rise. This generation’s people run and hide so they can think that they have solved their problems by hiding. Easiest option indeed! Choose Rise and you will be played and tested. Your emotions will be played by the worst things of all. You, as a whole will be tested in the stage of judgement. Everything becomes crystal clear when you lose a battle, and that defines your personality. This is the shit which ordinary people say.

In reality, it is ten times difficult than this. You realize God is not so graceful after all. He does not test you. He BREAKS you, into a million pieces, in the time of need, he will test you while you are broken. Your feelings will be pressurized, heart broken, emotions played and every time you think you are good enough to get ahead, next step you take, you break into ten million pieces. This cycle keeps going on and on, until He deems you worthy of going ahead.

Honestly, Gods have unconditional powers. They can shape, break, and heal everyone and everything in a blink of their eyes. And yet, here I am, all broken, in the midst of the test while taking everything and everyone away from me. While my heart cries, mind says just stop, you can’t go any more, my will is at its last small flame, but brain says just one more time. JUST ONE MORE TIME AND YOU ARE DONE!

While everything should keep me in a cycle of negligence and despair, something in my mind breaks and lets me forget the worst experiences and get ahead. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is life.

While writing this blog, everyone should have left me. Not because I did something or something like that, I believe this is God’s test to me now. People used to say I deserve so much, yet in front of my eyes I see what I deserve. Things no one would understand. Unexplainable things. What I can see clearly is the gold in front of me, just two steps ahead. But I take one step ahead, and that gold takes two steps back. In other words, in the current pace, achieving the gold I see would be impossible. When I finally get to the point where you have to be ’emotionless’, I wipe my tears and see this as a FINAL TEST.

I always wondered why final tests are so hard? They cover the whole syllabus of the year? In school, yes. Let’s come back to life. This final test covers the syllabus of entire life, and this time you have to choose whether you want the gold or you want someone else to take it. Of course there is a catch. You prioritize so-called ‘friendship’, you see the gold taken away from you by someone else. Let go of people, no matter how close, because in the end, no one is going to make life decisions for you. You are on your own. Just fuck people and take the gold by yourself. Swallow your pride and ego, ignore all your emotions whether they are positive or negative. Just take everything which you desire.

All I have learn in these past few days is that people are just temporary. But still, why do I find it so hard to control my emotions? My emotions took the best of me and destroyed hundreds of opportunities I have created on my OWN. I regret those decisions I took. I regret that I wasn’t a strong person that time. I should have learnt how to let go of people, no matter how much close they are. This test, which I am going through right now, hurts so much. Those people who I cared so much just disappearing from my life, it’s a tragedy.

The truth is, everyone has turned into someone else. I can whisper, I can yell, but I know, yeah I know, I'm just talking to myself.

He designed his own catastrophy.

I lost myself trying to please everyone else, now I'm losing everyone while trying to find myself.

But I am here now. I need myself more than anybody or anything. I need to develop hatred towards myself so I can grow. The negative energy one creates for himself is the ultimate energy you need to grow up. Trust me, if you are not in this point of life, you will never understand this blog. But trust me, if you ever fall like I did, do give a read to this whole.

In the end, even your closest friends will disappear. You need to be ready for this prior or else, you will just become like others, who are so weak that they end their life. I am much above that shit. I know my parents well and respect how hard they worked for me to grow, not to end my life and make life a living hell for them. I don’t even cry, because I know all those tears will dry up, I don’t have no one to wipe em. Controlling your emotions need much more than these weak assed people. Grow up, but don’t become me.